The Chargesheet of Arthas Menethil
by WolfPaladin
Summary: My first attempt at a Crackfic. Please be gentle! Probably incorrect legal-speak, some errors in spelling, and a lot of anti-Arthas cases. Read and review please!
1. Chargesheet

_Inspired by a crackfic I saw on this very site. Written purely out of silliness :P. Your recommendations are asked for earnestly._

* * *

><p><strong>If Arthas was to be brought to trial, what would be the chargesheet?<strong>

* * *

><p><em>Arthas Menethil, former Prince of Lordaeron, self-proclaimed leader of the international terrorist and extremist organisation known as The Scourge, self-titled Ruler of Northrend - The Lich King, stands accused of...<em>

- Destruction of Public Property (Lordaeron City)

- Destruction of Public Property (Silvermoon City)

- Preparation and Distribution of Banned Substances (Plague of Undeath - sample is Exhibit no. 2)

- Violation of rights to life and death

- Illegal possession and use of regulated substances and materials without obtaining prior relevant permits (Exhibit nos. 10 through 150 - mostly exotic spices, Saronite and arcane crystals)

- Vandalism of environment (filed by Cenarion Circle - Eastern and Western Plaguelands branch)

- 1,700 counts of Slander and Libel (filed by Argent Dawn)

- 13,700 counts of Treason (filed jointly by Argent Dawn)

- Vandalism of private property (filed by Scarlet Crusade - Scarlet Enclave)

- Workplace Harassment and Intimidation (filed by Darion Mograine on behalf of Knights of the Ebon Blade)

- Violation of Azerothian Labour Laws of Alliance and Horde governments (filed jointly by Messrs. Thassarian and Koltira Deathweaver)

- Violation of fundamental rights of equality, freedom and anti-exploitation (filed by UFCR - Union for Forsaken Civil Rights)

- Sexual Harassment (filed by Jaina Proudmoore)

- Sexual Harassment, Intimidation and Physical Abuse (filed by Sylvanas Windrunner)

- Illegal capture, possession and sale of land (filed by Argent Tournament Organising Committee)

- Vandalism and destruction of government infrastructure, public works and private residences (Stratholme)

- Illegal dismissal and command of Human military assets (filed by LAVA - Lordaeron Army Veterans Association)

- 4,768,890 counts of murder

- 8,646,032 counts of assault (filed mostly by Paladins and survivors of Lordaeron crisis)

- 12 counts of High Treason (filed by surviving members of Lordaeron Council and executives of the Late King Terenas Menethil II)

- Violation of right to freedom of religion (filed by Scarlet Onslaught nee Crusade)

- Inadequate and squalid workplace conditions (filed by...Anub'Arak?)

- Seven counts of Violation of terms of contract (filed by various mercenary companies in Northrend)

- Unwarranted intrusion into political affairs of Azeroth

- Aiding and abetting felony as relates to wanted criminal Kel'Thuzad

- Aiding and abetting enemies of Azeroth (pinpointed individuals Kil'Jaeden, Archimonde (deceased), various Nathrezim and Ner'Zhul - Orc Shaman, whereabouts unknown)

- Desecration of places of worship (filed by Messrs. Lor'Themar Theron, Halduron Brightwing, Grand Magister Rommath, ex-Prince Kael'Thas Sunstrider and Lady Liadrin)

- Desecration of places of learning and worship (filed by Kirin Tor)

- Illegal and improper use of necromantic magic - banned magic school

- Improper Use of public transport (filed by Steamwheedle Cartel - Northrend and Eastern Kingdoms branches)

- Illegal command of Nerubian Military assets

- Coup d'Etat and subsequent illegal takeover (filed by LLF - Lordaeron Liberation Front and by Icecrown Citadel executives)

- Illegal use of stimulant and enchanted armor pieces (Exhibit nos. 3 through 9)

- Possesion and use of banned Runebalde (Exhibit no. 1)

- Mentoring unlawful organisations - The Cult of the Damned and The Scourge

_Does the defendant plead guilty?_

**Arthas (in the box): UNTRUE! I DENY EVERYTHING! THE VOICE IN MY HEAD MADE ME DO IT!**

* * *

><p><strong><em>Now just click that little Button title "Review", please! :)<em>**

**_Any further charges you'd like to bring on Arthas? Tell me, and I'll update the chargesheet!_  
><strong>


	2. The Trial Begins!

_Soo...I see that Arthas is certainly Azeroth's Most Wanted. And the reviewers (thank you all, your reviews have triggered this!) put a germ of an idea into my head. I decided, bloody heel - let's just see what the trial goes like!_

_This story takes place in the assumption that Arthas didn't get pwned by the Ashen Verdict, and was arrested instead._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Arwen Rynn<strong>: Who's the SOB crazy enough to book him? You'll see, soon enough..._

_**Similyn**: Why thank you!_

_**InvaderTyleana**: Duly noted, the charge will be filed - justice shall be done!_

_**Frostfyre**: Ghosts filing a petittion? Never heard of it, but hey - this is Azeroth, anything can happen!_

_**The Unknown Reviewer**: PETA's representatives on Azeroth, the DEHTA, will be submitting their petition shortly._

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>In this altered story -<span>_**

**Arthas Arrested! The Lich King falls! - Gadgetzan Times **

**Butcher of Stratholme in chains! Special story here! - Stormwind Herald **

**The end of tyranny - Arthas captured - Shattrath Mail **

**Scourge of the Living to Scourged by the Living! - Silvermoon Express **

**The defiler of Dalaran humiliated in capture and defeat - Live bulletins every hour! - Dalaran News Orbs**

_**Also, Illidan isn't dead in this story, but serving an eternity in a prison block presided over by...well, I hardly need say the name now, do I?**_

* * *

><p>This was a trial that<em> no one<em> was going to miss, even if they were chained to the ground with Titansteel Links by mad Naga. It was being held, rather appropriately, in Stratholme, which had been reclaimed a few weeks after Arthas's capture. It was slowly being rebuilt, to the point where, even with all the construction activity, the city seemed to shine again with it's former glory.

But even the city's wide avenues couldn't quite hold the throngs who'd shown up, some out of curiosity, some out of a desire to see what the Leader of the Damned looked like, some to jeer at him, most out of pure delight that the tyrant who'd haunted their days was being given his comeuppance.

Seldom had such a cosmopolitan crowd been seen on Azeroth. Orcs, Humans, Tauren, Blood Elves, High Elves, even quite a few Trolls and Draenei and Night Elves, as well as the ubiquitous Steamwheedle Cartel merchants attempting to sell overpriced food and water to the crowds (_can't really suppress goblins now, can ye!_).

The Argent Dawn had agreed to provide security for the Trial, and scores of them could be seen doing crowd control, managing the traffic, and the like. The renovated Town Hall, restructured to twice it's old size, was where the trial was going to be held. A single, long, red carpet extended from the great doors of the building to the square, where a fountain bubbled and where the men and women presiding over this spectacle would disembark.

Although held with great fanfare, the staff chosen for this job were not known to the public - and wouldn't be known until the trial actually began. That itself added to the excitement of it. Why the security, one might ask? Well, there were plenty who'd love to see Arthas get his limbs ripped off without the need for a formal trial, and put them up his rear-entrance, but the Ashen Verdict would have none of it - barbarism is no response to barbarism, they said. And they weren't counting on the Scarlet Onslaught to behave - not surprising, considering their history.

Slowly, the chariots rolled in, bearing the high and mighty of Azeroth - Varian Wrynn, Jaina Proudmoore, Thrall, Garrosh Hellscream, Gelbin Mekkatorque and Magni Bronzebeard, Cairne Bloodhoof _(though this one had two others who he leaned on for support - poor old bull_), Velen, Tyrande Whisperwind, even Malfurion Stormrage - who specially woke up just to see this trial. Fandral Staghelm declined to come, saying he had other things to do besides watching silly spectacles. Sylvanas had been debarred initially - people were afraid she'd cause a riot, no matter what - though eventually they let her in due to her importance to the trial. Vol'Jin was busy on Echo Isles, bagging Zalazane's hide, so he (_politely_) declined the invitation.

Even Brann Bronzebeard showed up, having left his task in Ulduar unfinished. That a man like him could dump his work and show up spoke volumes about the interest the trial had generated. There were so many others, that this description would fill a library, hence they are left unmentioned.

Also, for the purposes of highlighting the princpal individuals connected to Arthas, we shall be including selected transcripts only. For a more complete record, please refer to Harrison Jones in the Stormwind Library for a word by word stenographed report of the trial.

The trial proceeded exactly on schedule. Here is the transcript -

**Argent Crusader by the bench:** All rise for the Chief Justice! (all rise)

(_Thrall, looking odd in black robes over his armor, strides in. Waves everyone down, takes his seat._)

**Arthas:** Damn, now I got to be judged by some (BEEP) Orc?

**Paladin guard (probably blood elf):** Shut the (BEEP) up, (BEEP)(BEEP).

(_Front row comprises Jaina, Sylvanas, Varian, Garrosh (both fidgeting), Cairne, Velen. Second row of all other Alliance and Horde Leaders, plus Rhonin and Veeresa Windrunner. Other rows - almost 25 more, filled with other dignitaries and members of the Ashen Verdict and Argent Dawn, plus selected commoners and scribes_).

**Argent Crusader by the bench:** File in the jury!

(Jury, comprising mostly Blood Elves, High Elves and Humans, and three Kalu'Ak, enter and fill Jury Box)

**Thrall:** I hereby state...

**Garrosh:** A _true_ warchief doesn't state! He declares!

**Thrall** (_miffed_)**:** Alright...I declare (cough) this trial as commenced. Accusation Counsel, file in.

(_Accusation Counsel - Tirion Fordring, enters from anteroom, bows expansively to Thrall and the courtroom crowd, takes his seat._)

**Thrall:** Defense Counsel, file in.

(_Defense Counsel - Baron Rivendare, enters from second Anteroom, gives a death glare to the crowd, smiles at Arthas, takes his seat._)

**Thrall:** Right. Now, as per the chargesheet, which was initially filed by..._(hesitation)_ ahem..._(low voice to his scribe)_ is this for real? No joke? Pff...alright.

**Thrall:** Ah, yes, initally filed by...convicted murderer and traitor Illidan Stormrage...(cough)

(_court goes silent - blink, blink_)

**Thrall:** Aaaanyhow...there are quite the few charges against him. The accusation counsel may begin.

(_Tirion Fordring stands up, reads out the litany against Arthas, smirking at each sentence_)

(_after Tirion finishes_) **Arthas:**** UNTRUE! I DENY EVERYTHING! THE VOICE IN MY HEAD MADE ME DO IT!**

**Thrall:** (_slams his gavel, a bit more enthusaiastically than normal_) You will remain silent unless asked otherwise, Mr. Lich King!

**Arthas:** (_mutter_) Why that little (BEEP).

**Paladin guard:** Shut the (BEEP) up, I said!

**Tirion:** _(impassive voice)_ Permission to call my first witness, sir?

**Thrall:** Granted.

**Tirion:** I call upon Jaina Proudmoore to the witness box.

**Arthas:** Oh, crap...

(_Jaina climbs in, smiles briefly at Thrall, then stares daggers at Arthas, before calming down_)

**Tirion:** Lady Proudmoore, could you describe the nature of crimes you accuse him of?

**Jaina:** Well, he's my ex, and he's a filthy pig. (Sob) He didn't listen when I pleaded with him at Stratholme to not burn the place, he spat at Lord Uther, and he ditched me for some whore of a Sorcerer, who was until recently a Lich in Naxxramas...(sob) (_continues in this vein, after sometime entire front row are wet in the eyes_)

**Arthas:** HEY! That's bull(BEEP)! I never did anything with Kel! He...

**Cairne** _(pissed)_**:** (_jumps up, much to everyone's surprise_) **WHAT'JA SAY! YOU (BEEP) (BEEP), (BEEP) PRICK, I'LL STRING YOUR HIDE ON MY TENT!**

**Paladin guard:** For the last (BEEP) time, shut the (BEEP) up!

**Thrall:** **ORDER!** (Gavel almost breaks, but somehow stays intact)

**Tirion:** There, there. (_Stares at Arthas defiantly_) As you can see, noble sirs, this man is even heartless enough to break his girlfriend's heart for power! I advise the Jury (_flourishes expansively with his hand_) to make note!

**Thrall:** Defense Counsel, your call.

**Rivendare:** I'd like to ask if Jaina Proudmoore is certain of Arthas's supposed betrayal on emotional grounds - you claim he ditched you...where's your proof?

**Jaina:** (_wide-eyed_) Are you (BEEP) insane! I saw him, damn you! I know what I saw!

**Rivendare:** I have reason to believe otherwise. (_produces documents_) I'd like to present incontrovertible proof that he was engaged in no illicit activity with Kel'Thuzad. I personally attest to the validity of this. These show he was celibate.

**Thrall:** _(takes sheets, glances them over)_ I will reserve judgement.

**Rivendare:** (_smug grin_) And, to the second point...how can you be sure that it was truly him at Stratholme?

**Jaina:** You (BEEP) idiot, who the hell else could it have been? Greatfather Winter?

**Rivendare:** Not quite. If I remember correctly, it was a demon who was urging your people on, was it not? Mal'Ganis?

**Jaina**: (_uncertainly_) Well, yeah...but...

**Rivendare:** And Mal'Ganis was a Nathrezim. And we must remember, the dreadlords have the ability to shapeshift, to deceive. Whu=ihc is why the Burning Legion calls them the _**Thal'Kituun**_ - the unseen ones.

**Jaina:** But...

**Rivendare:** So it is highly conceivable you were being strung along. It may not have been Arthas. For all you knwo, it could have been anyone, being posed up as the man himself by Mal'Ganis! Hence, your accusation is quite unsuitable, and delusional!

**Tirion:** **Objection!** Surely, you cann't trust the word of a man who has...

**Thrall:** Overruled, Tirion Fordring.

**Rivendare:** (_Smug grin_)

**Tirion:** (_snarl_) Well, at least you can't object to the sexual harassment charge! Why, here is my proof of it! (_produces a second set of documents - one of which is an abortion certificate_)

**Rivendare:** (_smile vansihes_) I...er...um...no more questions.

**Thrall:** (_icily to both_) Jaina Proudmoore's testimony is to be recorded and counter-arguments as well. Any more disrespect from you both and I'll...(_stops himself_) You get the idea, I think.

**Both:** Yes, sir. (_Think, simultaneously - Thrall and Jaina are sitting under a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!_)

**Arthas:** (_sigh_) It's gonna be a loooooong trial.

**Paladin Guard:** (_pokes him with his sword in the ass_) I said, shut the (BEEP) up!

* * *

><p><em><strong>Reviews are (demanded) pleasantly asked for. Tell me who should be in the box next, and I'll write it up!<strong>_


	3. Sylvanas makes a scene

**_Sorry about the delay! :P I had a lot of RL stuff to deal with so I had no time to put my hide into the chair and type. But for all those who waited, thank you!_**

_**And for those coming in newly as well as the ones from the start, here's another transcript of this trial!**_

* * *

><p><em>Transcript Record three hours plus after trial commencement<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Thrall:<strong> (_bored tone_) Alright, Crusader Lord Valdelmar, you've made your point. Now you may step down.

**Valdelmar:** But wait, WAIT! I've not yet finished my tale of how Arthas destroyed my wee little...

**Thrall:** (_pulls out his DoomHammer_) Still want to argue?

**Valdelmar:** I...I understand. (_bows humbly and exits_)

**Tirion:** Hey! He was giving evidence!

**Thrall:** He gave evidence for over 45 minutes. That is quite enough, Mr. Fordring.

**Rivendare:** (_smug smile_) Shall I call my witness, sir? One not as long winded?

**Thrall:** No. Your witness may arrive after the next one Mr. Fordring will bring. (_To Tirion_) And this one had better be somewhat less long-winded, you hear?

**Tirion:** (_smirk_) Oh indeed, sir. The next witness is...(_pauses for dramatic effect_) Banshee Queen Sylvanas Windrunner!

(_audible gasp in entire courtroom. Sylvanas stands up, smiling. All around her, watchers draw away, in terror_)

**Arthas:** **Oh MAN, Oh (BEEP)! No!**

**Rivendare:** (_shiver_) **By Ner'zhul's tusks, not that crazy one!**

**Thrall:** (_mildly curious_) Why not?

**Arthas: You're crazy!_ She's crazy!_ Stop! Don't let her in,_ I beg you!_ I'll bathe in Light if needed, just not her!**

**Paladin Guard:** I said...

**Arthas: YES! SHUT THE (BEEP) UP! I KNOW!**

_(stenographer temporarily halted due to consultation purposes)_

**Arthas:** _(rubbing his backside)_ What the hell? Who are you, anyway?

_(Paladin Guard removes Helm, shows herself as Lady Liadrin)_

**Arthas:** What the...?

**Liadrin:** Try again, you whelp, and I'll do a lot worse than a Avenger's Strike up your (BEEP).

**Arthas:** What did I ever do to you!

**Liadrin:** Oh, I don't intend on revealing THAT just yet, jackass. Just you watch!

**Thrall:** (_smashes his DoomHammer on the bench_) **ORDER! ORDER!**

**Tirion:** (_hemms and haws_) Can I call in my witness, now?

**Thrall:** Yes, yes, please do.

(_Lady Sylvanas climbs into the box, fixedly glares at Arthas_)

**Arthas:**...

**Sylvanas:** (_glare_)

**Arthas:** ...(fidgets)... What?

**Sylvanas:** You still look like a schoolboy. Don't you like reaching puberty? Or did your (BEEP) freeze off on the throne?

**Thrall:** A-hem.

**Sylvanas:** Go ahead and ask. What do you want to know?

**Tirion:** (_unsettled_) Uh, your nature of the charge is Physical Abuse to start with. Could you elaborate?

(_Sylvanas glares at Tirion_)

**Tirion:** _(small voice)_ Please?

**Sylvanas:** Well...he resurrected me to start with.

**Tirion:** Just that?

**Sylvanas:** (_angry_) **DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE? DUMB LIVING BRUTE!**

**Tirion:** (_hastily_) I didn't mean to offend!

**Sylvanas:** You'd better not! Anyhow, (_calms down_) he nearly killed me. Then he hit me up with that (BEEP)-ugly sword he used. Then he raised me as a Banshee spirit, to command all other Banshee spirits that he'd raised up. Mind you, that process hurt. Like the nether was tearing at you.

**Arthas:** (_mutter_) Most stupid job I've done ever.

**Rivendare:** _(fiercely turns around and whispers_) Ssshhhh! Shut up, or...

**Tirion:** (_keenly interested_) What? What was that? Let's hear it again, Mr. Arthas. What did you say was the biggest mistake ever?

**Rivendare:** Objection, sir! He's harassing my client!

**Thrall:** Overruled.

**Tirion:** (_smug grin_) So what was it again, Arthas?

**Arthas:** (_sullenly_) Biggest mistake I ever made was raising this crazy to become a Banshee Queen. Girl was possesed like, so I thought it would be fun...sort of...to well, you know...

**Thrall:** (_eyes wide_) You actually did it with a...

**Arthas:** Hey, she's hotter dead, I tell you. I mean, look at her! Plus, you Horde idiots had all ugly-as-(BEEP) leaders, here's one who looks hot. Hell, even Kel hit on her!

**Sylvanas:** (_enraged_) **DAMN YOU! YOU DARE MENTION THAT...**(_draws bow_)

**Lor'Themar:** _(jumps up)_ I agree with my Old Ranger General! We aren't ugly! In fact we Blood Elves are the best looking ones! (_flips his hair arrogantly, then draws his own bow_)

(_stenographer temporarily interrupted for consultation purposes_)

**Rivendare:** I protest! I protest against this rough treatment of my client!

**Arthas:** (_pulls an arrow out of his cheek_) Poison arrows being fired upon me isn't just rough treatment, Baron. And Lor'Themar, you don't look good, you look like overdressed girls.

**Sylvanas:** (_bow still quivering_) You're lucky I didn't aim down there, you filthy playboy.

**Arthas:** Oh, I'm still wearing Ebon Plate, so I don't think it might be of use, you over-sexed nut-job.

_(stenographer temporarily interrupted for consultation purposes_)

**Arthas:** (_girly voice_) (BEEP), how did you get armor penetrating arrows? Oh man...

**Rivendare:** (_screams_) **OBJECTION! MY CLIENT IS BEING ASSAULTED!**

**Thrall:** Sustained. Sylvanas, enough!

**Sylvanas:** Why! Considering what he did...

**Thrall:** I don't see what that has anything to do with him shooting him there! Don't do that again!

**Rivendare:** I demand action! How can you let this continue, I don't know!

**Sylvanas:** Want some, Rivendare?

**Thrall: ENOUGH, SYLVANAS!** (_bangs his DoomHammer so hard, the floor cracks, ceiling shudders slightly_)

**Thrall:** Oops...hehe. (_nervous laugh_) Wait, I'll just fix that...(_calls out some incantations and the floor and desk heal themselves up)_

**Tirion:** (_pauses, afraid_) Can I ask the next...no never mind. I think I already have the answers to that.

**Thrall:** What?

**Tirion:** (_timidly_) I was about to ask about the...Sexual Harassment charge...(_cough_)

**Sylvanas:** (_furious_) **ARE YOU DEAF?**

**Tirion:** (_cowers_) I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Don't shoot me down there!

**Arthas:** (_normal voice recovering_) (BEEP)! So even the Argent Dawn topcat is afraid. Now thats quite something...

**Rivendare:** (_steps a bit back)_ Right, now let's see what I can ask...

**Thrall:** Wait...why are you standing behind Cairne, Mr. Rivendare?

**Rivendare:** Oh, you know, it's kinda nice the view from here...(_nervous laugh_)

**Sylvanas:** _(smirking)_ You certainly weren't that reserved when I came to meet you in the ruins of Stratholme, Rivendare...

**Rivendare:** (_clears his throat_) Erm...first question...no, you know what...no questions.

**Thrall:** (_surprised_) What?

**Rivendare:** Exactly, no questions. All I can say is there's no Sexual Harassment charge since she was SERVING the Scourge! Willingly or unwillingly is another matter. She was working for us, and there was no restriction on her duties! So no charge can be applied! She's just being mean!

**Sylvanas:** Come on out from behind that old bull, Rivendare. I dare you!

**Rivendare:** (BEEP) you, Sylvanas.

**Thrall:** **ORDER!** (_about to smash his DoomHammer, everybody cowers. Thrall stops midway and replaces it with a standard mallet, which he bangs hard_)

**Tirion:** Erm, Objection?

**Thrall:** What the (BEEP) for?

**Tirion:** That is an unjustifiable accusation! The Scourge was evil and mind-controlling!

**Sylvanas:** First sensible words, you old fool.

**Thrall:** Sustained.

**Rivendare:** (_grits his teeth angrily_)

**Arthas:** Man, my father must be really pissed if he's watching this...

**Tirion:** (_interjects_) Which we proved when we talked to the LAVA representatives an hour ago. You're going down one way or the other, Arthas!

**Arthas:** (BEEP) you.

**Liadrin:** I said shut the (BEEP) up! _(Does an Avenger's Strike on Arthas's backside_)

**Arthas:** (_scream_) (BEEP) you, Ner'zhul!

(_on the exhibit table, the helm jumps around a bit, as if imitating a person laughing_)

* * *

><p><em><strong>I hope the argument with Sylvanas came up to your expectations!<strong>_

_**Please, do review! And tell me who should go up next on the podium!**_

_**And oh, before I forget, Happy New Year 2012 to all the readers! :D**_


End file.
